Tough choices on the way to Mt Sinai.

I have long sat and pondered and prayed about why I was led the way I was regarding my divorce and subsequent re-marriage.  I have been asked on occasions to write about it, but that however has never even been a consideration, that is until now.

The time has come to write about that period of my life, That Walk with YHWH and the events pertaining thereto.   I believe this period has everything to do with HIM remodelling our marriages, as best as we can follow HIS Guidance, so as to return us back to HIS Biblical ways.  Back to an illustration of HIS Covenant Marriage to HIS Bride, as a Biblical, consecrated marriage was always supposed to be.

I am needing to write this in the first person, as I am not sure how to pass it off literally in the third person.  Sorry for that.  You will see that I have not always got it right, but I have tried my best.  For the purpose of simplicity I shall attempt to convey this testimony in a sequence of writings.  Thank you all for your patience. 

Please know that there is a war and a wedding coming, and in that order - and having been involved in both wars and weddings I can unequivocally state that there is a massive amount of passion, intimacy and fire needed to survive either.  

YHWH is calling HIS Remnant to HIM with a level of passion and intimacy resembling an all consuming fire of LOVE.  Are we willing to throw ourselves into HIS Arms and wake up the LOVE?  Are we willing to call out to HIM with our whole being regardless of the consequences?  If so then this season may cause some earth shattering changes in our lives, for WE WERE BORN FOR A TIME SUCH AS THIS - IF WE ARE WILLING TO LOVE YHWH WITH ALL OUR HEARTS, SOULS, MINDS AND OUR NEIGHBOUR AS OURSELVES!

1998 Found me in a marriage of 19 years which was wrecked way beyond repair; a marriage though which had presented me with two wonderful children both teenagers at that time.

In every failed marriage there is fault on both sides and all communications will break down, thus on a particular night after one of the numerous cataclysmic almost daily explosions my ex-wife and I had, I went out into the dark and stood literally with my hands in my hair, cried out with my whole heart, possibly groaned more than cried a prayer something like this:

"Father I know that I cannot divorce ......(my ex-wife's name) but could you please separate us, we cannot go on like this.."

And I know her thoughts and feelings were exactly the same.

It seems now in retrospect that YHWH was waiting for this prayer to allow HIM to commence the next stage of HIS Work in our lives; I obviously at that time did not see it for what it was - but it played out like this:

Now I shall need to go into a little more detail for the purpose of clarity:   

During this period I went to a brother in Messiah to pray, but we were unable to really pray as he was very agitated and preoccupied because he believed YHWH had presented him with a question which was locked up in Prov. 30:8-9.  He said that in answer to the question he had asked YHWH to please not ask him to answer right then as his business was just taking off, he had signed some very lucrative contracts and so forth.  Well I empathised with him, but something about the question had already started to stir in me. I tried to ignore this "stirring"  but later as I left his house "it" was still there.

As I was walking home trying to think of anything but Prov. 30:8-9 I was asked:

"Well are you prepared to give up everything for me?  Prepared to have just enough for the day and situation at hand?"

Then silence.  YHWH had, and still does often speak to me like this:  HE poses HIS question, knowing full well that I understand it perfectly  .... Then keeps quiet - HE NEVER MANIPULATES, NEVER EVER!

I was stunned, you see dear reader, as with many of us I suppose, my little business was struggling as it was, I was barely keeping my head above water - and IF YHWH TOOK ANY MORE AWAY I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO CONTRIBUTE TO OUR FAMILY NEEDS, and as it was I was contributing precious little anyway, my ex-wife was doing far better in that area than I was, and of course there was the incessant conflict!   However I came to the conclusion that YHWH is LORD and although the thought of a smaller income left a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach (call it fear), if it was HIS will for me and my house  then so be it; thus I answered that I was prepared to accept just what I would need, not so much that I would deny YHWH or too little that I would have to beg.  The matter was settled, in my opinion at least -  but little did I know, this question had much, much more far reaching and life impacting connotations than I could or still can envisage!

But that dear reader was just the beginning.  Divinely authorised events were seemingly meant to happen in double quick time at this stage in my life as demonstrated a few days later: I was once again walking and praying, cannot remember about what because what came next was one of the most defining moments in my entire life and wiped my immediate thoughts out completely:

As clear as a bell I heard:

"Are you willing to stand ...(my ex-wife's name) off, unto death if necessary, if she prevents you from achieving MY will for your life?"

My world was rocked, I literally stopped dead in my tracks, the Words were burnt into my whole being repeating themselves like peals of thunder over and over again - and as sure  as could be - YHWH HAD STATED HIS QUESTION TO ME, THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO AMBIGUITY AT ALL IN WHAT HE HAD ASKED, I HEARD, HE HAD SPOKEN - NOT A WORD FURTHER WAS SPOKEN.  YHWH WOULD NOT INFLUENCE ME IN ANY WAY FURTHER, THE CHOICE WAS MINE TO MAKE!  However, as will be seen a little later, HE never leaves us alone - HE PROMISES US THAT HE WILL ASSIST US IF WE TAKE ON HIS YOKE, AND HE WILL NEVER ALLOW US TO HAVE A BURDEN TOO HEAVY FOR US TO BEAR, AND HE WILL SHOW US A WAY OUT!   HALLELUJAH! 

For three days I was sick to the very pit of my stomach, way past fear, this was a "Red Sea" experience for me. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I was feverish with anxiety:  HOW COULD I GIVE ELOHIM THE AUTHORITY TO KILL MY WIFE, THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN, IF HE SO DEEMED?  HOW COULD HE WANT ME TO MAKE SUCH A DECISION?

A few times the words:  FATHER YOU ARE GOD, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ...(my ex-wives name) AWAY, EVEN UNTO DEATH IF NECESSARY SO BE IT! came to mind and were almost spoken:  BUT I COULD NOT BRING MYSELF TO SAY THESE WORDS, AND BESIDE I WAS PUTTING THE RESPONSIBILITY ON HIS SHOULDERS, WHEREAS HE HAD PLACED IT SQUARELY ON MINE.  I wanted YHWH to make the decision, this one was too big, too close to me, too personal.  For so long I sort of made my own decisions with a cursory sort of "rubber-stamp" prayer - WELL NOW YHWH WAS GIVING ME THE FULL RIGHT TO MAKE UP MY OWN MIND!  I was devastated, I could not!

Then a strange thing began to "grow in me"!  But before I explain what the "strange thing" was I need to deliver one of those deft, insensitive, politically incorrect thrusts we are so often called upon to make:  

I was, and still am, of the opinion that at that time my ex-wife was NOT born again, this is not a judgement call, this is from having lived with her and seen no Fruits of the Spirit in her life.  Where she is today in regards to Messiah Yeshua I cannot say, that no longer has anything to do with me, BUT she is in YHWH Yeshua's nail scarred Hands - that I know.  

Now back to this "strange thing" - I cannot say exactly when or how this thought began to take form: but here is what was beginning to grow and be nurtured IN MY SPIRIT - ELOHIM (GOD) IS NOT AN UNFAIR OR UNJUST GOD AND HIS SON SHED HIS BLOOD FOR THE REDEMPTION OF ALL MANKIND AND GOD THE FATHER WOULD NEVER WASTE A SINGLE DROP OF HIS SON'S PRECIOUS BLOOD BY REMOVING AN UNREPENTANT PERSON WHO WAS STILL TO BE REDEEMED BEFORE THEIR TIME OF REDEMPTION!

Somehow I just knew that my ex-wife was going to be Redeemed through the Blood of the Lamb, but as yet it had not happened:  HALLELUJAH, WHATEVER YHWH DECIDED TO DO TO MY EX-WIFE, PHYSICAL DEATH WAS NOT PART OF THE ACTION! PRAISE HIS NAME!  So after 3 days, if I remember the time frame correctly, and armed with this TRUTH I was able to declare, albeit timidly and still very shell-shocked:

"Father I am willing to give you permission to take ...(my ex-wives name) away, even unto death if necessary if she stands in the way of your achieving Your will in my life!"

There it was, done.  I felt relieved but oh so weak, so drained:

There are many things we could learn out of these experiences regarding the myriad traits of the very Character and Nature of This Elohim that we believe we know so well: We sorely need still to learn, I believe, that HE IS THE FULLNESS OF EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF LIFE - aspects we have not even seen or can fathom but are hidden in our oh so wicked hearts, hearts which only YHWH through HIS RUACH can search (Jer 17:9-10) - He is about redeeming those as yet unknown wicked aspects of each of our hearts as  - He is the Way, the Truth and The LIFE!  But this aside, what stands out most for me when looking and considering this entire episode are these two points:

• A Covenant, even one as crippled and dented as mine and my ex-wife's is still of vital importance to YHWH, so much so that HE asked me IF I WOULD GIVE HIM PERMISSION TO BREAK IT IN WHATEVER WAY HE DEEMED CORRECT AND JUST ACCORDING TO HIS WILL AND LAWS! (Confirmed at a later stage)
• Through these deep waters and fiery furnace YHWH showed me that HE was with me all the time - Is.43:1-2 (vs. 3 & 4 are important too, but they come into play later).  We are never alone, in the storms and in the fires HE is with us, BUT it is in the small still unseen ways HE speaks to us - not in the storms. 1 Kgs. 19:11-13.

Life still went on in the Swanepoel house, turbulent and divided as our home was, but we still managed however to limp on:  that is until my birthday in early March 1998:

A lawyer, whom I knew, phoned me and asked me to come in and see him.  I naturally asked why, to which he replied I should just please come in quickly to see him.  I, being who I am, wanted to know why?  He reluctantly replied that my ex-wife had filed for divorce - I went numb, my mind froze, the wheel was set in motion.  I had completely forgotten about my request to Abba to get me out of my marriage as he saw fit and obviously I had also forgotten about the authority I had given HIM to do with my ex-wife as HE saw fit if she stood in the way of HIM achieving HIS will for my life.

I defy any person to say that the break up of a marriage is not traumatic - nonsense, it is!  Covenants, whether good or bad are supposed to be eternal, and especially a marriage covenant and the breaking and demise of any covenant causes pain!  

During this entire process I was instructed by the Ruach to remain in our home, this was massively difficult, our home was split into two camps, two bedrooms, two worlds - but the ones who suffered the most were our children - I have seen again the Truth of the Words which states that even though we are forgiven our sins on redemption through Messiah Yeshua, the consequences of the sin remain  - what we have sown in the flesh we shall reap in the flesh, is an eternal and unavoidable TRUTH.

Although it was of vital importance for me to realise my wrong doings in our marriage, it was extremely difficult - I saw only my ex-wife in that situation, that was however until YHWH started to open my eyes, slowly but surely with purpose but no "gentleness".

On one occasion I was complaining to Abba and pointing out the wrong doings I saw in my ex-wife when I was given  Malachi 2:14 to read:

"Yet ye say, Wherefore?  Because the LORD (YHWH) hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hath dealt treacherously; yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant."

Immediately my mind was filled with my very own "treachery"  and the many, many sins that could be attributed to my account:  Wow, Father did not pull the punches with this "Injured sheep" of HIS that was for sure.

Another occasion I was walking around after dark praying and just generally looking for answers:  WHY?  WHY? HE could have surely healed and fixed things up?  Once again I heard in my Spirit:

"You gave me authority to take her away even unto death if necessary if she stood in the way of you achieving MY will in your life.  I did not allow her to be taken away unto death BUT I ALLOWED HER TO DIVORCE YOU!"

On a final occasion I cried out saying:

"Father Your Word says no man can separate what you put together!" 

and immediately HE answered me with:

Q: - "Were you born again when got married to....(ex-wife)?"

A :- No I was not.

Q: - "Was she (ex-wife)?"

A: - No I do not believe so!

Q: - "Did you ask me if you could marry her?"

A: - No I did not.

Q: - "Did she ask me?"

A: - No, I do not believe so!

Q: - "Did you ask if you could even get married?"

A: - No I did not!

Q: - "Did she?"

A: - No, I do not believe so!

"THEN HOW CAN YOU SAY I JOINED YOU TOGETHER?"

End of discussion!

I need us to stop here for a moment  please and just recap: Malachi 2 informed me that I have been unfaithful in "MY COVENANT" of my youth - even though YHWH had nothing to do with it, HE was still HOWEVER A WITNESS to this Covenant we made BECAUSE WE CALLED ON HIS NAME, A NAME WE DID NOT EVEN KNOW THEREBY USING IT IN VAIN thus bringing guilt upon ourselves (Ex. 20:7), and this Scripture in Malachi  was, amongst other witnesses not mentioned here, a witness to why YHWH asked me permission to break my covenant - People it was not YHWH's Covenant to break - IT WAS MINE AND MY EX-WIFE'S -  YHWH RESPECTS THAT:   Are you able to see that?

YHWH is continually looking for a Bride WHO WILL SUBMIT TO HIS WILL - HIS WILL IS RIGHT, HIS WILL IS LIFE, HIS WILL IS ETERNAL - OUR WILL CAN ONLY GENERATE WHAT OUR FLESH WANTS - PLEASE UNDERSTAND!  Why do we need the RUACH, the very SPIRIT OF YESHUA to lead us into Truth and Righteousness?  

To answer that, I need to refer to something I read this morning from a source found here which in essence read:  

The Revealed Word of Elohim as led by HIS RUACH (Spirit of YESHUA) is pure creative energy!  The Word obeyed out of religion or from any other  human source is just a commandment NOT LIFE GIVING EMPOWERMENTS which are purposed by The Creator Elohim to awaken, inspire, and empower HIS Bride!

The denominational state/marriage "sacrament" which we were in at that stage, and the means by which we bound it, required of us to take a Divinely implemented Institution brought in at Creation and accompanied by the Sabbath (a Covenant - Marriage sign) and mix it with man laws, traditions and religions and then bring it before YHWH and ask HIS Blessing on THIS ABOMINATION!! WHAT AN INSULT TO THE ALMIGHTY CREATOR ELOHIM, and to add insult to injury, we then make oaths imputing HIS HOLY NAME embodied within this RELIGIOUS ABOMINATION - yet we have ejected HIM from HIS very Institution, an Institution we are told today (even by many denominations) can be legally enacted between man and man, woman and woman - WOW!  Where is the Creative RUACH led empowerment in this? THE SIMPLE FACT IS - THERE IS NONE - IT IS DEVOID OF LIFE, CREATION AND ENERGY - THE COLD, DEAD RELIGION OF MAN IS ALL THAT REMAINS! MANS COMMANDMENTS!!

CAN WE NOT REALISE THAT, AS AT MT. SINAI, OUR CREATOR WANTS TO SHOW HIMSELF TO HIS BRIDE?  HE WANTS HER TO HEAR HIS VOICE HERSELF - NOT RELAYED THROUGH OTHER MEN BUT  THROUGH AN INTIMATE RELATION BASED ON A COVENANT, INSPIRED, EMPOWERED AND REVEALED THROUGH HIS RUACH HAKODESH!

Dear Reader, to achieve this intimacy HE needs to, not us - YHWH OUR CREATOR AND FATHER, NEEDS TO remove our Egyptian and Babylonian idols, life styles and religions SO THAT HE CAN TAKE US INTO THE DESERT AND PRESENT HIMSELF AND HIS LIFE GIVING MARRIAGE COVENANT TO US!

During this time I was contacted by every well intentioned person in the Church and was told everything from:

"The Bible says you may never marry again" to "I have had a vision and the Lord shows me you must rejoice because HE is giving your wife back to you again, fully restored!"

Nonsense, she was now with another man - entered into a new covenant - I MAY NEVER MARRY WITH HER AGAIN (1 Cor. 7:12-16 arw Deut: 24:2-4) but The Word was telling me that I could marry again with the Blessing of YHWH!  

Obviously none of the "revelations" came to pass, not even those in-between ones because none of them was the TRUTH - they were at best humanistic religious doctrines or at worst some other spirit showing the receiver something NOT BIBLICAL, thus being of a demonic source!

The most sensible advice I received during this period was from an ex-pastor whose wife had left him and according to him YHWH had given him 1 Corth. 7,  and he gave it to me and suggested that I read it.  I did and it helped.

Shepherds, beware you do not lead the sheep of YHWH Yeshua astray - it will be very detrimental for you - they are not and never will be your sheep.  Speak to The Shepherd and ask HIM how you can best graze HIS Sheep!

All that we are led to do by YHWH is revealed to us with the intended purpose of bringing us back to HIM and HIS Covenant.  It is never ever about us - it is all about HIM and HIS Mercy, HIS unfathomable ways and HIS LOVE FOR HIS PEOPLE.  HE WANTS TO BRING THE FALLEN TENTS OF JUDAH AND EPHRAIM BACK TO HIM. HE WANTS TO CHERISH, PROTECT, PROVIDE, NOURISH AND LOVE HIS BRIDE - US, HIS REMNANT.  WE IN TURN MUST COME BACK TO HIM AND HIS WAYS!

We see HIS Ways as harsh and difficult - but what if they are not harsh and difficult?  What if it is us who has made them harsh and difficult because we have ventured so far away from HIS original Covenant, a Covenant begun BY HIM in the Garden?  What if we have become so accustomed to the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (humanism, religion of man - in fact anything not of YHWH's Betrothal Covenant  and sourced from any source other YHWH Himself) that we are no longer even able to understand HIS Covenant of LOVE?

A final Scriptural foundational Truth that the Ruach began to lay down in my life in this period of time is found in Ezra 9 & 10 - Foreign spouses could not help their husbands re-build the walls of  the Temple or Jerusalem!  Think long and very hard about this please.  Where is your spouse (husband / wife) today? Pray, pray, pray. You see brethren, without me understanding it I was being drawn back to the LAW (Torah), and also I was being shown that divorcees, when done Biblically correctly through the leading of the Ruach of Yeshua, meant we could minister before YHWH again - There was indeed freedom in the Truth - Hallelujah!!

For a period of just over a year after my divorce I had a interval of relative calm in the sense that Abba seemed to be giving me a period to refresh emotionally, however HE did not close the taps completely:  In that time period for only 3 months did I have lodging which I could call my own, no furniture to speak of, but my own roof over my head.  However for the rest of that period YHWH provided me with the most incredible places, with awesome furniture and gadgets to live in, literally as and when I need a place to stay, and I never needed to ask (Remember Prov. 30:8-9).  Also in that same period my mother, who lived in Harare, Zimbabwe died very suddenly and unexpectedly, and again without asking I was given a great car, money and in 2 hours an emergency travel document to travel to Zim to arrange her affairs and burial as my Dad had already passed away.

Then the kicker came - in September 1999 I was instructed by YHWH to close my little security business down, give away everything I had (not much) and WALK TO ISRAEL (an entire book on its own here I assure you); but to add "more spice to life"  I was instructed to take absolutely nothing along for the journey - see Mat. 10:8-15.  I sat down, worked out a budget of what I believed I would need to cover all my loose ends in Namibia; this also included the maintenance settlement for our youngest who was in her final year at school.  My son had just completed his schooling at that time.  When I had worked out all I needed (by this time I was laying my every move before YHWH - no more self appointed nominations from me thank you) I set about selling the few items that I had - once all was sold I had exactly the right amount I needed to cover all my costs and walk out of my home town owing nothing to anybody but love!  What a great and releasing experience.

I believe, YHWH willing, I must cover the "WALK TO ISRAEL" in the next piece:  I would like to end here however with this:

As decisive and definitive as it was for me up to this time, believe it or not, this was to be the easy part.  You see so far I had asked questions and received answers to those questions.  I had been asked to make a few heart searching choices, albeit one was extremely heart wrenching,  but I had so far been involved within myself - basically just YHWH and I:  The next part of this trip to Mt. Sinai required me to now put my money where my mouth was.  The Life Instructions I would now begin to get required me to act on them so that the whole world could see what I was doing!  

So until then,

Shabbat Shalom in Messiah Yeshua,

Bo'az.